Freshman advice uncensored

Your first year at community college can be tough. Since I’ve largely forgotten mine, I assume it was totally traumatic or maybe even completely benign.
Either way, I’ve compiled some useful information to guide you through it.
My objective is to provide you with the tools to have a successful first year by obtaining good study habits while maintaining an active social life. This can be tricky, but fret not my bright-eyed friends.You are in good hands. Hands that are soft and mold to your form like foam couch cushions; here to gently support you with aluminum reserve and the light scent of Febreze.
First, I will go over a few tips for choosing classes.
Some might say to challenge yourself by taking the hardest classes, regardless of what grade you may receive, as it’s about learning and not jumping through hoops.
This is half of the truth, but the other half of it is that part of life is jumping through hoops. If your main objective is getting a career and having a future, then you’re better off finding a balance.If you can barely count, then you’ll probably want to skip taking anything besides the easiest math courses required.
Or you could challenge yourself — that’s cool too Einstein.
Keep in mind that English classes are a lot of writing, so schedule those with classes that won’t require an eternity of staring at Microsoft Word and cursing the godlessness of the MLA format.
This would be a good time to take some electives in a subject that interests you, because this is where you’ll learn the most.
Because, although a chunk of your experience will be similar to High School, in that you’ll be temporarily regurgitating facts to satisfy someone who is bored with their job, there are also instructors who share their array of knowledge in creative ways.
These teachers are easiest to find in subjects that you’re already drawn to, and this combination makes the information easier to use and remember.
I can’t recall how a computer or the United States government works, but I’ve learned and remembered a lot about art, graphic design and media.
Finding these instructors can be hard, so scout them out first by asking around. You can also drop a class early in a semester with a refund and no penalty, if you get bad vibes from an instructor.
This is important because there are some instructors who would make better cops than teachers.
They aren’t there when you need them, and their sole purpose is to punish you for failing to comply within the arbitrary structures that they’ve imposed on you.
My last tip for choosing classes is time. Timing is everything, so never take a class that starts before noon — it’s just not worth it.
Now that you have a schedule, let’s work on your study habits and then we’ll get to the fun part, being awesome socially.
My first and only good English teacher at college said something along the lines of, "get your work done at least two days before it’s due."
This seems like a gem of advice and is probably better than putting the majority of your workload off until the last two weeks and turning into a mad person who stays awake for absurd periods of time.
Redbull tastes horrible, so if you find yourself stuck in an end-of-semester rush, you should opt for coffee instead. Black. No sugar, no creamer.
While the library has fewer kittens and naked people than the internet, you should still check it out. There are a lot of useful resources to be found there.
Unfortunately, your chances of finding President Obama dancing atop a spinning pizza are going to be slim. I’m as bummed as you are.
Keep your books in the bathroom. This is pretty self-explanatory and I have too much decorum to delve into the crass, so if you can’t figure it out then try it out. You’ll get it eventually.
Now that you’re drinking coffee, hanging out in the library bathroom and calibrating your vibe radar, you’re probably ready to get social.
The first thing you’ll want to do is find the biggest, meanest looking person around and smash their head in with a lunch-tray… Wait, that’s an old prison trope and those trays are plastic now.
What I meant to say is hang-out with the old men or keep to yourself, but I think those are more realistic survival tips for the pen that were relayed to me by an ex-con. But I suppose it could apply here as well.
Still, you’re better off forgetting those unless you decide to give up your education for a life of crime and you probably shouldn’t — unless you’re really good at crime.
To make friends, you should be interesting. If you can’t be interesting, then be mysterious. If you can’t be interesting or mysterious, then be rich or good-looking.
When conversing with a new friend, try to avoid niche topics. Unless they’re wearing a Stone Cold Steve Austin shirt, they probably don’t want to talk to you about wrestling, especially if that person is me or if they have ovaries.
With that segue into reproduction, I have another tip for you. We are all largely the same, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, so this information is universal and can be applied by anyone.
You’re probably too dumb to use it and your outfits ugly, but give it a shot anyway and you might not screw it up too badly.
If you’re a lady who’s suddenly feeling turned on, then stop by the Agora office and I’ll let you buy me dinner if you’re not too poor and I’ll explain why — or you could keep reading,
This predatory tactic is a trend popular with internet pick-up artists called "negging," and it’s pretty simple. By constantly belittling a person and chipping away at their self-worth, they will want to please you. Even better, they will hold the smallest compliment in high esteem no matter how backhanded it may be.
Light occasional teasing is an innocent and normal part of flirting, so be sure to avoid that by going into overkill and making criticism the bulk of your interactions.
You’ll know it’s working when they look like they might cry, and you should feel good about yourself because sociopathic mental manipulation shows great character, and it’s probably how your grandparents met.
The final chapter of this collegiate self-help novel is going to address an elephant in the room largely left untouched by other guides for freshmen — partying.
It’s 2000 and whatever, so skip the hangovers and decrease your chances of being beaten up or date raped and get a medical card. Or better yet, abstain from intoxication.
Should you choose to drink, as you are possibly wont to do — remember that it’s not a contest. It’s better to be considered a lightweight than to be known as the person who wets themselves or made an anti-Semitic rant that’d make Mel Gibson blush.
Another thing to remember is that regardless of your intoxicant of choice — go slow. Once it’s in your system, it’s harder to take it back out than it is to imbibe a little bit more.
Whichever of these "high" roads you choose, be responsible and don’t infringe on anyone else’s safety or ability to have a good time.
If you find this article helpful, you’ll be happy to know that I eagerly accept gifts of gratuity — including but not limited to — cold hard cash, manicure scissors that look like birds, and autographed Golden Girls posters.

Illistration by Darryl White